The Modern Man's Guide to Understanding His Wife

WIFESPEAK                          ENGLISH EQUIVALENT
---------                          ------------------
* You want                <==>     You want 
* We need                 <==>     I want
* It's your decision      <==>     The right decision should be obvious by now 
* Do what you want        <==>     You'll pay for this later 
* We need to talk         <==>     I need to complain 
* Sure,... go ahead       <==>     I don't want you to
* I'm hungry              <==>     (a) Make me something to eat
                                   (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape 
                                       together your last $$, and go 
                                       drive across town and get me 
                                       something to eat. ... I don't care 
                                       if what you are doing is important.
* I'm not upset           <==>     Of course I'm upset, you moron
* You're,... so manly     <==>     You need a shave and you sweat a lot 
* You're certainly        <==>     Is sex all you ever think about?
  attentive tonight
* I'm not emotional!      <==>     I'm having my period ...
                                   And I'm not overreacting!
* Be romantic, turn       <==>     I have flabby thighs 
  out the lights.
* This kitchen is so      <==>     I want a new house
  inconvenient

* The car is empty        <==>     Go fill it up 
* The trash is full       <==>     Take it out
* The dog is barking      <==>     Go outside in your underwear and see 
                                   what is wrong
* I want new curtains     <==>     and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
* I need wedding shoes    <==>     the other 40 pair are the wrong shade of white 
* Hang the picture        <==>     NO! I mean hang it there! there
* I heard a noise         <==>     I noticed you were almost asleep 
* Do you love me?         <==>     I'm going to ask for something expensive
* How much do you love    <==>     I did something today you're really not going to like
  me?

In answer to "What's Wrong?"

* Nothing                 <==>     Everything
* Everything              <==>     My PMS is acting up
* Nothing, really         <==>     It's just that you're such an asshole 
* I don't want to talk    <==>     Go away, I'm still building up steam.