What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
The vultures will eat the skunk.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's a fish.
What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation?
A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.
What do molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
They're all slime.
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.
What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them?
You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna sue!" or "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"
What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers?
He would starve to death.
What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
Yogurt has culture.
Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.